Independence - The New "Problem that Has No Name"

My first Independence Day - The thrilling abyss of time and space to yourself

I spent my 20s mindlessly working like a fiend, and mindfully avoiding anything - or anyone - that might distract me from getting there. Then, there was, as has been noted, no there, there. But it was so great having such a ferocious dedication to myself. At 23 I spent a month in Europe alone, deliciously journaling, just luxuriating in my power and independence. Sitting in a café in Prague in the Spring of 1990, just days after that city's Velvet Revolution, I wrote:

"In every moment of my life, of my day, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing."In my late 20s, I watched a couple friends drop off the cliff into marriage and motherhood. I had nothing but envy/dread for their new lives on their new planet. I'd get there, someday, I thought, but just not yet. I knew - in the unknowing way a single twenty-something knows anything-that you got something when you leapt off that cliff, but that you gave up even more. I was crystal clear on what you gave up. I had become so expert at paying attention to myself, to my needs; was so in tune with what I wanted to do, that it seemed impossible to me (to ME!) to give all that up, to subsume self, in the way I understood wives and mothers had to do. I will don my airtight spacesuit and go, I thought, but I will go kicking and screaming. No delusions had I.

I knew exactly why the flight attendant (then called ‘stewardess') required that if you're traveling with small children. you must put your own oxygen mask on first, before assisting them.

Fast forward, because it does, doesn't it...fast forward, I mean. Fast forward exactly 20 years. I am 43. I am a wife and a mother. And since I've buried it, here's the lead: my husband and daughter are away from me for two nights and three days in another state for the first time. I know I've lost many of you. This is what I'm talking about? Three days and two freakin' nights without my kid? That's all I got?

Yes. This is what I'm talking about, because for so long, as predicted here first 20 years ago, I have been putting the oxygen mask on everybody else in the room first. I made the choice-within-the-choice and now, faced with the two things I've had none of for a decade - time and self-space - I am baffled. And exhilarated. Let's see.... Between teaching, I could: write, sleep, run, sleep, call friends, shop, garden, sleep. It never occurred to me to go somewhere, like the beach or the mountains, which are both literally two hours away from my house.

I am not complaining. I'm more marveling. I cannot believe how somebody who was so expert at reading/loving/serving/knowing herself could travel so far. Self care is a habit of mind. It's infrastructure you build into your life, your day, your soul. Sure I've had time to myself, obviously. But not like this. Not nights. Not so many hours strung together, taunting, seducing, blinking like Christmas lights.

My impulse is to place this lack-of-oxygen-mask feeling in opposition to Betty Friedan's radical and revelationary outing of "The problem that Has No Name," suffered by wives and mothers in the 1950s. I mean, how a thousand-years-ago is that?? DUH. Until I read it again. Here's how Friedan begins The Feminine Mystique, where she just calls it out:

The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night--she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question--"Is this all?"

http://www.amazon.com/Feminine-Mystique-Betty-Friedan/dp/0393322572

And here's the thing. It's not that. I am a fully self-actualized, loud, feminist working woman with the kinds of professional, emotional and financial independence those 1950s women couldn't even dare to imagine. My husband and I co-parent. Our daughter sees both mom and dad do all of the householdy work.

And yet.

And yet I read Betty Friedan's revolutionary words as I sit here, with two more days and one more night to myself, spread out before me like a deep, black, unknown sea; and I feel lost and sad and thrilled and mystified by how hard it is for me to care for myself. My Self.

What am I doing with my new-found freedom on this Independence Day?


Writing this.

Body Image Lessons From My Daughter

As an author who writes frequently about mothers, daughters and body image, I'm forever preaching about the importance of teaching our girls to feel good about their bodies -- and about who they are. After all, how we feel about our bodies affects not only what we allow ourselves to do, but what we believe is possible for us.

I got a lesson in this very subject from my daughter recently.

She's a competitive fast-pitch softball player and her team just began its summer tournament schedule. As she was getting ready for her game, she was trying to decide what to do with her hair (hair is a big issue in our house; she is, after all, 13). She pulled it back into two ponytails and I said, "Oh, I like that.""Mom," she said, her fingers moving quickly through her hair as she turned the ponytails into braids. "Ponytails don't say competitive softball player. No one will take me seriously."

At 13, she's already learned that people make judgments about our abilities based on how we look. Alexandra Levit wrote about this topic recently in her Wall Street Journal column: "Without waiting for you to explain why you're qualified, people will make a snap judgment based on your appearance and demeanor."

For me, it's the demeanor part of the equation that's important. Yes, we can make an effort to "improve" our appearance, but if we don't feel good about the way we look, it shows in our behavior. After all, you've probably known women who are charming and captivating, even though they may not fit the mold of what our culture considers beautiful. The ones I've known have all had one thing in common: Self-confidence.

Instead of spending our time obsessing about perfecting the outer details, we'd be better served developing an inner reserve of confidence and self-acceptance. What's your take on this? How important is self-confidence in how others see us?

Eight tools to help you boost your happiness.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day or List Day. This Wednesday: 8 strategies to help you boost your happiness. This is an exciting week for me!

First, my book became available for pre-order. For the first time, the book feels real.

Second, and even more thrilling, the Happiness Project Toolbox is finally ready for prime time. Yes, it’s ready! I’ve been working on this companion site for so long; it’s hard to believe it’s actually going out in the world at last.

What is the Happiness Project Toolbox? As I was working on my happiness project, I invented several methods that helped me to boost my happiness. My One-Sentence Journal, my Personal Commandments, my Secrets of Adulthood, and of course – most important of all – my Resolutions Chart.

I remember exactly where I was when I got the idea for the Toolbox. I was walking up Lexington Avenue, between 77th Street and 78th Street, when I thought, “Wow, it would be great to have a site where people could chart their resolutions.” About ten steps later, I thought, “But a site like that should also allow people to keep their one-sentence journals, or post their happiness hacks.” Then it hit me. A Happiness Project Toolbox! I was so struck by the idea that I literally stopped in my tracks – I remember that the woman behind me ran into me and shot me a very annoyed look as she passed.

It was easy to have the idea; hard to turn it into reality. As with so many things in life, if I’d known how challenging it would be, I might not have attempted it. But now that it’s ready, I’m so happy I did it.

Novelty and challenge bring happiness; they also bring frustration and anxiety. In this case, despite periods of frustration and anxiety, I also had a tremendous amount of fun – in large part because of the brilliant, creative people at The Chopping Block, the web design firm who built the site. They love the project, too – they wrote, “The Happiness Project Toolbox is easily among the best projects in our twelve-year history. We're excited about the potential for building of a large community audience.” They had a lot of good ideas to add, and also helped me figure out if some of my ideas were possible.

For example, I’ve always been mesmerized by PostSecret, and I’m fascinated whenever people post on my blog with their own Personal Commandments, etc. (for example, I think often of one commenter's Personal Commandment, "Choose the bigger life"), so one of my favorite Toolbox features is the ability to see other people's posts -- unless they choose to keep entries private, of course. It’s super-addictive to read other people’s Personal Commandments, browse through their Inspiration Boards, learn from their Happiness Hacks…utterly absorbing. (Use the bar across the top to see other people’s entries.)

The Happiness Project Toolbox offers eight free Tools:

-- Resolutions: record and track your resolutions.

-- Group Resolutions: challenge several people to a group resolution.

-- One-Sentence Journal: keep a journal on any subject you like (my online one-sentence journal is “What I’m reading today”).

-- Personal Commandments: identify principles to guide your life.

-- Secrets of Adulthood: record what you’ve learned so far.

-- Happiness Hacks: share your hacks about clutter, exercise, mindfulness, etc.

-- Lists Tool: keep any list -- to-do, favorite things, things-to-do-before-I-die, etc.

-- Inspiration Board: pull together your favorite books, quotations, images, and websites.

The amazing Super-Fans group got the first look at the Toolbox. Thanks again, Super-Fans, for your enthusiasm and your efforts! The Super-Fans were great about alerting me to problems. When I sent out the link, I thought the site was perfect, but of course, when hundreds of people tested it, they discovered a lot of bugs. Now it should be working very well indeed. However, there still may be some issues to iron out. I’d really appreciate it if you let me know if you have a problem (or praise). It would be a huge help, though, if instead of emailing me directly, you post to this discussion on the Facebook Page. That way, the web designers can see your comment and address it, without me needing to act as a go-between. It’s helpful to know what browser (and version) you use, and whether you’re on PC or Mac.

I had a great time designing the Happiness Project Toolbox. Check it out! I hope it will help you reflect on your values, keep your resolutions, and pull together material that inspires you. And I hope it’s fun! Please pass the link on to anyone else you think would enjoy it.

* If you'd like to work on your happiness project, but are more drawn to the idea of doing it with other people instead of using the Toolbox, sign up here for a starter kit for launching a group for people doing happiness projects. Groups have started from L.A. to Enid, Oklahoma, to Boston.

The Scientific Method Begins with a Construct

I appreciate the anonymous comment about "another label" as it referred to Parent Frustration Syndrome (PFS). While the response is provocative it is also erroneous.

As one other reader responded, as a Ph.D. psychologist I do not prescribe drugs. I also had no agenda to promote prescription drug use when writing my post. I am not against the field of psychiatry in any way. That said the comment I am referring to made it seem that I was on a mission to recklessly try to promote psychiatric meds by inventing PFS. This is not the case.

Science begins with observations, inferences, constructs, and testable hypotheses. PFS is a construct I made up to encapsulate the struggles of parents whose toxic thoughts lead them to become adversarial with their own children.

The framework I lay out in my new book Liking The Child You Love delineates 9 different toxic thoughts that parents can fall prey too. These nine toxic thoughts are listed and briefly described below.

The Nine Toxic Thought Patterns

Slow Burning Toxic Thoughts

#1 Always or Never Trap. The tendency of parents to think about their kids in either a completely positive or completely negative manner.

2) Label Gluing. In this case, parents affix negative labels to their children, which tend to de-motivate their children and inhibit them from making positive changes.

3) Seething Sarcasm. Parents are using this toxic form of sarcasm when they deliberately say things that are mocking exaggerations or the opposite of what they're saying through their tone of voice.

4) Smoldering Suspicions. Parents prone to Smoldering Suspicions face major challenges trusting their children. Ironically, the more children feel they can't be trusted, the less trustworthy they will become.

5) Detrimental Denial Detrimental Denial is a unique type of toxic thought. It reflects parents struggling with denial that their children engage in problematic behaviors.

Flaring Up Toxic Thoughts

6) Emotional Overheating. Emotional Overheating occurs when a parent convinces him or herself that his or her child's behaviors can't be "handled."

7) Blame Blasting. Parents who key in on a child and reflexively point their fingers at him are driven by the toxic thought of blame blasting.

8) Should Slamming. Parents who think about and relate to their children with "he/she/you should" statements find that their children will feel distanced, isolated, misunderstood and resentful.

9) Dooming Conclusions. This is a toxic thinking pattern where parents overly exaggerate the future negative actions and events concerning their children.

I will give examples of how these insidious toxic thoughts damage parent child relationships in future posts....please stay tuned.

Raising Self-Esteem in Kids with Focusing Problems

Children with focusing concerns happen to share a big time problem with their parents--high levels of frustration. While most children hope to succeed in classes at school or when relating with peers, the academic and social realms are not easy for kids with focusing problems. In fact, school and friends become fronts for losing battles for many distracted children.

As frustrating as life is for the distractible child, it can be even more challenging for their parents and teachers. As I wrote in my latest book, Liking the Child You Love (2009), what complicates matters is that parents get toxic thoughts [e.,g., "She is just lazy" (toxic thought) versus "She is truly spinning her wheels, stuck and stuggling." (empathetic, and more realistc thought)]. Sadly, parents with Parent Frustratrion Syndrome or some approximation of it react harshly to a distracted child. That child usually becomes even more distractible. Talk about a destructive cycle of distractibility! To help these children, it is crucial that parents learn to understand and manage their own frustrations as well as those of their distracted child. Distractibility problems in kids can have more than one cause and the most common reasons are listed below.What Causes Distractibility in Children?

Distractibility in children can be the result of one or any combination of several sources, including:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Learning Disabilities
Anxiety
Depression
Major life changes (e.g., divorce, relocation)
High levels of day to day stress
Learning Disabilities

Despite the cause of the distractibility, the end result is that distracted children end up with crushed self-esteem.

Bolstering Self-Esteem in Kids with Focusing Problems

Parents and teachers have a right to feel frustrated when managing distracted children. At the same time, telling a distracted child that if s/he cannot pay attention s/he may fail or be expelled from school, however, almost never helps the child improve. Worse, this is more likely to create feelings of inadequacy and shame. A strategy more likely to succeed would be to explain that you are proud of how hard your child has worked to achieve success, even though he has been challenged with distractibility.

How can we further bolster a distracted child's ability to cope inside and outside the home with frustration and the feelings of anger, despair or self-doubt that often accompany their focusing problems? Some further strategies are below.

Be understanding

Remember that the distraction prone child is struggling with feelings of inadequacy. It is of utmost importance that parents are empathetic with their frustrated children. These kids need extra doses of understanding and encouragement to stay motivated. You may say something like, "I realize you're frustrated about getting this done. How can we make some progress? Sometimes just hearing this will help distracted kids.

Be calm, firm, and non-controlling.

Avoid yelling. Yelling is really just an adult temper tantrum that only clouds your child's mind, making him more distractible. Keeping your cool, stating clear expectations, and trying not to command these children is the formula for success.

Get to the bottom of the problem

Remember that your child is not being bad when he or she is frustrated. The true reason for the angst and possible tears is that she is struggling with a task that is beyond her resources at the moment. Stay tuned into the frustration and remember what it is that makes your child find homework hard to do. This is much more productive and healthy than just viewing your child as "lazy." Keep asking questions to determine, for example, whether your son is frustrated because he doesn't understand the parts of the sentence or because he wants to call a friend. Try to discern how much your child learned the material in school and what is it about this problem that's too hard. Once you identify that there's a problem area or skill deficit, you can work on that or involve the teacher to help re-teach the material.

Don't wait for the drama and tears.

Focus on the first signs of a meltdown and intervene early in the sequence of events. Does your daughter fidget, stare into space or seem reluctant to begin the work in the first place? Pay attention to those moments before you just mutter, "Oh no, here we go again..."

Break down big problems into smaller ones

This strategy is usually overlooked and underused. Distracted kids will feel more motivated by small successes versus big failures. Your child might need a break, or some help turning a big project into a series of small jobs. Kids may need an adult to supply the structure. Parents who see themselves as distractibility management coaches really help the situation. For example, saying "Yes, this problem is a tough one, but let's see what we can do. Let's do one question together, then you try the second and I'll be right here at the counter paying some bills if you need me." Modeling calm attention to a task often has a calming impact on kids.

Use checklists.

Help your child get into the habit of keeping a to-do list. It's very reinforcing to be able to cross tasks off a list.

Draw on past successes.

If your son is frustrated at not being able to get a hit on the baseball field, remind your child of the time he learned to do a new trick on the skateboard and ask, "What worked for you then? You're reminding him of a time when he did do well and encouraging him to use the same strategies in this new situation."

Focus on the present.

Rewards down the road don't work so well for easily frustrated kids. Something more immediate needs to happen. A colorful new sticker when she completes a math problem might encourage your young daughter to go on to the next. Avoid making the outcome or incentive too big or long-term. Saying in October, "You can get a new bike this summer if you get your homework done more often," is a reward that is too distant in the future.

Keep proactive and open communication with your child's teachers.

Distracted children tend to shut down quickly when they encounter obstacles. The great news, however, is that you can help your child resist sinking and keep on swimming if you stay active and involved.

Remember to be a helper but not an enabler.

Doing too much to help your child to finish a difficult assignment may feel good to her, but it's not good for her. Remember that distracted children are often surrounded with negativity and begin to expect failure. Amidst their considerable challenges, it is easy for distracted children to feel that they are often in trouble and inferior to their peers. Let your child know that in addition to loving him that you believe in him.

As much as you may hope your distracted child will outgrow her distractibility down the road, it is far from certain. For some children, the symptoms get better as they grow older and learn to adjust. Others, because of their genetics, may demonstrate continued tendencies toward distraction. Just keep in mind that the distractible children with the best chance of becoming well-adjusted adults are those who have loving, supportive parents who work together with school staff, mental health workers, and their healthcare provider (when needed).

Theses proven tips for helping distracted children are preseted in, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child : The Breakthrough Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen, Learn, Focus and Behave (2007) by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.

Also see Liking The Child You Love (2009) by Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.

Dr. Bernstein works with children, couples, and families. His website is www.Drjeffonline.com

Funny Money, Or: The Pleasures of Efficiency

Some months back, PT bloggers were asked to comment on their relationship with money, with a special focus on any quirks we have. This is a more personal perspective than many of us take in our blogs, but still interesting and worthwhile. I hope you like it.My Sicilian family was happy, but their happiness arrived efficiently. They found joy in activities and items that were both inexpensive and useful. Gnocchi, artichoke with bread crumbs and olive oil, eggplant parmesan, bean soups, spaghetti with a hard-boiled egg - these were the delicious dishes that could feed a family on less than bus fare.

At the same time, costly indulgences were shameful, and well-off relatives who were prideful or possessive of their money were pariahs. There was no greater insult than to say of a relative, "They drank champagne through the Depression." It was a denunciation occasionally whispered with great seriousness at family gatherings, and it always meant that a wealthy family member had turned away a shamed relative who needed help. Wealth could be explained by luck; not sharing some small portion of it when asked (which was never done lightly) was an inexplicable and unforgiveable affront to good fortune.

The pleasures of efficiency shaped all of our activities. After a day of fishing at the Jersey shore, we would grill the catch and then fertilize our petunias and tomatoes by planting the fish heads beneath them. And in our modest neighborhood, carpenters, electricians, plumbers, and masons traded skills, converting everyone's carport into an additional room or two, for just the cost of materials.

I still want to trade skills but it is a lost norm. And though I have left behind the income bracket of my youth, when we use a dollar's worth of ingredients to feed our family a homemade black bean stew or pizza, I still think, happily, that this is how we will afford college for our children.

There is wisdom in cultivating inexpensive and functional tastes. As Epicurus held, such simple pleasures are not easily lost.

J.D. Trout is a professor of philosophy at the Loyola University of Chicago, and his book, The Empathy Gap: Building Bridges to the Good Life and the Good Society, recently appeared with Viking/Penguin.

Diversity in Entertainment - Why it Matters

"Nothing is ever so wrong in this world that a sensible woman can't set it right in the course of an afternoon." -Jean Giraudoux, The Madwoman of Chaillot

Recently, I wrote about an NPR.org posting by Linda Holmes on her blog, Monkey See. Her post, entitled "Dear Pixar, From All The Girls With Band-Aids On Their Knees" is an open letter to Pixar in praise of their films, but also identifying the lack of a single female lead character in any of their ten (plus two more in the works) films. This would seem to be a significant phenomenon given that females comprise about one half of the world's population. Imagine flipping a coin twelve times and have heads come up each time. Better yet, imagine the sheer impossibility of the American League team winning Major League Baseball's All-Star game 12 straight times! Oh...wait.In my post, I noted that the lack of quality female leading roles in films was more likely a problem of supply than of demand, given that about 90% of mainstream American movies are directed by men, not to mention all the male screenwriters and producers out there.

This elicited a number of reader comments, which is great, as one of my favorite parts of blogging is seeing the range of reader responses (so keep ‘em coming!). I wanted to take a moment to respond to those comments, and clarify a few thoughts of my own.

Yeah, but there's that one show...
A few commenters were able to name some TV shows with female lead characters...Disney's Kim Possible, Nick's Dora the Explorer, and Fox's The Sarah Connor Chronicles. This is a common response when a population trend is identified which challenges our belief systems, creating what we shrinks call cognitive dissonance. To reduce this uncomfortable psychic state, we often point to a single exception as if it negates the argument. Stephen Colbert has parodied this brilliantly when he rolls out a picture of him with his "black friend, Alan" to defend any implications of him being prejudiced. "I don't see color", he says. Having grown up in Ohio, my school system was hardly the model of cultural diversity, despite rather large class sizes. We used to joke that like in South Park, we had our one Jewish friend. Yet one would hardly claim that my high school was practically a kibbutz. By the time I went to grad school on Long Island in psychology, the tables were quite turned and my religious upbringing was in the significant minority, a fact joyously skewered in a comedy skit we created called "Jew Crew for the Goy Boy". Just because we can name a few shows or movies with females in the lead does not equal equivalent gender representativeness in films.

What's with you quota quacks, anyway?
Bob wrote, "I find the idea that we ‘need' more female lead characters to be sexist. Are girls so in need of fictional role models that writers have a social obligation to provide them?" A few other voices joined his concerns about placing social obligations on creative professionals. No one likes a quota cop, and I don't think anyone can or should force writers to write more diverse characters. Writers are free to write what they want and viewers are free to watch what they want, that's just one thing that makes this country great! To address this point, let's look back to Holmes' original post:

"This is not an angry letter. It is especially not an angry letter about Up, which I adored. I could have sat in the theater and watched it two more times in a row. I cried, but I also laughed so hard in places that it wore me out. So I'm not complaining; I'm asking. I'm asking because I think so highly of you. Please make a movie about a girl who is not a princess."

This isn't a militant demand for social equality. There's no moral indignation and condemnation. No one is chaining themselves to the movie projector or hosting some hedonistic hippie love-in. These are the words of a fan asking for something more. As anyone involved in business knows, when the consumer speaks, it's important to listen.


So what?
By far, the most frequent response was of the "So what?" variety. Who cares that all the leading characters are men? What's the big deal? Women have Lifetime and blacks have BET and rap music, why would they possibly want more? Why does it matter? It matters.

First, there is the notion of identification. How many guys out there grew up wanting to be like Han Solo? Or learned how to woo women from watching James Bond? Personally, I always wanted to be an archeologist...until I learned that being a professor of archeology was not nearly as cool as being Indiana Jones. So now I'm gunning for professor of psychology, which is even way less cool. As Megan (check out her cool blog of open-letters) wrote: "It sends a message when these cool stories feature a male character as the lead. The supporting female roles are usually great- funny, quirky...But it doesn't really matter how strong the female characters are when they are consistently cast as support and never given the lead. This sends a message to little girls. There's nothing wrong with those roles in theory, it's important to support and love, but the female characters need a chance to be supported for a change...Give the girls a chance to shine."

Also, variety is the spice of life!...and that says a lot coming from a guy who is notorious in a few Cambridge eating establishments for ordering the exact same meal at the exact same day and time each week. How many people have complaints about stale Hollywood studio movie formulas? If you want the standard pat evolutionary psych argument...diversity is an evolutionary entertainment advantage, it's bred into our genes!

Let's try a little thought experiment. Teenagers with mostly disposable incomes are a lion's share of entertainment consumers and a leading target demographic. Let's say that studios decided to capitalize on this market by hiring high school students to write, produce, star in and direct over 90% of the studio's flagship films. If you think you're sick of seeing Shia LaBeouf now, just wait until those freshmen students get control. It'll be all Twilight and Harry Potter. High School Musical 5 will hold the top spot on the box office charts for eight weeks in a row. The Jonas Brothers meet Hanna Montana biopic will take home the Academy Award for Best Picture. Sure, the Titanic sank...but I smell prequel! I'll just go see something else, you say? That'll be pretty tough when Step Up 4 More Dancing On The Streets, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants part 6 - Sisters in Slacks, and Bring It On All Over Again take up the other screens in the multiplex. So silence your cell phone, grab your popcorn, sip your soda and settle in...The Princess Blogs is about to begin.